Feels like ages since I last wrote. The past two months have been so extremely busy, and so full of changes and challenges. There were ends, and there were beginnings. There were deaths, break-downs, and then somehow, in togetherness, there were new-found strengths.
The Ends......
When people you are so used to having around go away, it gives you a jolt. It makes you wish you had found the time, and the right expressions of love. It makes you feel bad for not having told them what they meant to you, for not having spent that weekend just talking to each other. It makes you realize how dependent you are, and how independent you will have to learn to be. It makes you lose faith - in comforts, and in God.
.... Then you see the others who come and hug you, and weep with the same feelings as you. They know how you must feel; they feel so helpless that they cannot bring you back what you loved and lost.
.... Their feelings for you brings back the faith sometimes. It brings courage, and hope. It makes you appreciate what you still have, and know how much you treasure it.
Deaths sometimes bring in so much appreciation for life!
.... And then some Beginnings
Talking of Beginnings......Having gone through the whole roller coaster experiencing highs of extreme self-confidence to the under-the-earth’s-pit lows in terms of self-doubt, I realized one thing – when you’re out there chasing your dreams, a million things go your way, a hundred probably do not, and that is when you got to hold on to your priorities and let go some unimportant stuff. How one decides that, I guess it’s your gut feel that just makes you know! Also at such times, being selfish makes you understand exactly what you want from life.
Choosing hardships over comfort is never ever easy. Especially when the comfort comes with a bag of goodies. And no matter how bad your situation is, once you are comfortably settled into it, it’s the toughest thing to lift your rested and warm arse and risk it all away. Thankfully, I’m not a very scared person that way, and always manage to find the courage and bravado to embrace adventure. But yes, there were those moments in my head when I wondered if I was making a huge mistake. It may be a tad tooooo drastic and OTT to compare it to domestic violence that women get used to in an atmosphere that makes them “feel” settled and secure still, but you get my point right?
The feeling of wonder and that slight fear still stays in my heart as I’m about to put myself to the refreshing adrenaline of a new challenge, but my mind and heart are both in agreement …. And I think that is a pretty good sign.
All in all, I’ve come to realize how life is full of negotiations like that (not compromises, mind you) – you get together your wish list, hear out life’s plans and whoever else comes up with one, and then ….*well then*…. Then it’s all about getting what’s priority and letting go what’s not ;).
….. so long then :)
P.S.: Remember, I mentioned the tarot reading on those dark months of the year? :) Yes, we were at it, and are now hopefully moving to better phases
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